AskFemme: How Do I Handle My Partner Having Had More Romantic Partners Than Me?

How to Overcome Your Sexual Insecurity With a More Experienced Partner

Welcome to AskFemme, AskMen’s sex column that’s all about demystifying female desire. My name is Sophie Saint Thomas, and I’m going to be answering all your sex questions — because for all the men who sleep with women, the best advice for getting better in bed is going to come from a woman. I will do my best to be nice, but one thing I won’t be is dishonest. Women still aren’t having enough orgasms, and men still seem super confused about that, so the point of this column is to help bridge that gap with some genuine openness and clarity about the nitty-gritty of sex.

The Question:

“Dear AskFemme,

My girlfriend has way more partners than me and it makes me insecure. What should I do about it?

- Danny, 38

The Answer:

Dear Danny,

There are people out there who, when graced by a puppy, see dog poop rather than divinity. Who, when receiving a check, thinks about how much they will have to pay in taxes, rather than the amount that hits their bank account. The type of folks who, when given the opportunity to date a sex goddess who gives great head and is desired for a reason, get insecure. Now, I don’t mean to be insensitive to your struggle, but the pattern here is to look at the glass half-empty. Sometimes in life, we need people to be empathetic to our issues, and other times, we need them to be very honest with us. My honest take is that you're being a whiny little bitch, and need to appreciate what you have both in your partner and in yourself.

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Let’s talk about the former first. Contrary to what millennials like you (and me) were taught growing up, girls with lots of partners aren’t usually insecure. They’re just horny! They have a high sex drive and an understanding that life is fleeting, and therefore, it’s important to make use of your youth and ride a bunch of dicks. I do think heaven will be wonderful, but I also think we shed our mortal bodies and do things other than bounce on dick. Therefore, your girl sounds not only horny, but wise. And, likely hot, funny, and smart, if so many people are interested in her. And, as I mentioned, also probably great in bed! If you don’t start appreciating her, someone else will.

Now let’s move on to you. This woman chose you. She’s your girlfriend. That means that out of the many options she has, and could have, currently, she picked you. That must mean that you’re also smart, and funny, and she’s attracted to you. Think of it this way: If she’s had all this sexual experience, but chose you, you must be really good in bed! That’s what you should be focusing on. In past relationships of my own, I’ve been the more experienced one. Or, well, most of the time, actually. The men who got sad, whiny, insecure, and as a result, often mean to me over it? I dumped them and get grossed out now that I ever even slept with him. The one who sees it as an attribute, knowing it means he gets frequent amazing sex? I married him. I don’t know your backstory, but there’s probably a logical reason that she has more partners than you. One, I do think it’s easier for women to get laid than men, and two, she’s just more outgoing and extroverted than you are. In relationships, it’s important to respect and honor our differences rather than get stuck comparing and contrasting.

To get a little philosophical on you, I’ve noticed that life often gives us many chances to appreciate what’s in front of us. Life is patient. But not forever. What we do not appreciate, we lose. And then, when you’re alone, sad, crying into a six-pack all by yourself, knowing that you’re going to have to jerk off to Pornhub later, that is when you will realize: Oh, shit. I had a really good thing going, and I fucked it all up with my insecurity. But that doesn’t have to be your fate! Go and make a date with your girlfriend right now. Take her somewhere nice. Tell her how pretty she is and how much you love and appreciate her. And then take her home and fuck the shit out of her. Your story can have a happy ending. But that’s up to you.

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